No guy should kiss his mum on the mouth at all .....i mean FFS.....a moomies boy yes but that shit is strange ........something else is wrong there .......no fucking way .......does any man kiss his mum on the mouth/lips .......any time .....
How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
My long-term partner and I have a pretty solid relationship, and his family seem to be lovely people. Because of distance, we don’t see them very often, but when we do, there is one thing I get hung up on. He and his mom kiss on the lips. It obviously isn’t sexual, but it grosses me out, and makes me not want to kiss him because I just get an image of him and his mother. I’m pretty sure this is a me problem, but can I tell him it makes me uncomfortable? To be fair, my family isn’t super affectionate, so it’s harder for me to relate. Is this worth bringing up? Should I just look the other way when it happens?
—You Kiss Your Mother’s Mouth With Those Lips?
I think you should suck it up and let your partner do his thing. If he’s comfortable enough to kiss his mother on the lips within eyeshot of others, it suggests they have a close but not furtive relationship. You’re not going to be able to intervene there. Each family is its own world with its own rules and you’re by definition an outsider. Your input is much more likely to cause grief and resentment than it is to enact change. And for that matter, why should they change how they relate on account of your taste? “This makes me uncomfortable” isn’t always a cue for other people to modify their behavior, no matter the mores of our times.
And in fact, you’re already perceiving the situation as such. You say their kissing “obviously” isn’t sexual, and that you are pretty sure that this is a you problem. When you think the problem is you, it’s up to you to fix it. Leave these people to their affection, which is a nice thing that exists in a cruel world.
Dear How to Do It,
I’m a woman in a long-term relationship with a man for nearly 11 years, and while we’ve had our challenges, I wouldn’t swap him for the world. Last year, he came out as bisexual, and we took the opportunity to open our relationship—for him to explore relationships with men, and for me to explore having sex with other people, since he is the only partner I’ve ever had. Our agreement is clear that this is about expanding our sexual experiences only; if we think feelings are starting to get involved, we will end that relationship so that we can prioritize each other.
He’s found a friend with benefits who he’s been meeting occasionally for the past few months. I haven’t taken the plunge into meeting anyone yet, but I did get talking to a guy who works in a store near my work. We hit it off really well and I originally went back to the store one day to see if we could arrange a date. It turned out he was married and monogamous, but we’ve kept talking and we’re now good friends. I stop by to say hi if I’m passing the store, and we message each other often.
I’m intensely infatuated with him because I find being desired an aphrodisiac, and it is very clear he feels the same way. The problem is that I think he’s actually in love with me. He tells me regularly that I’m beautiful and messages me nearly every day. He has also shared on a couple of occasions that his marriage is unhappy because his wife can be controlling—in fact, she doesn’t take kindly to him having female friends, so he hasn’t dared to tell her that I exist.
I feel like I’m in a really awkward place ethically. I would love to sleep with him if it were an option—and my partner is fully on board with that—but I’m not comfortable with facilitating cheating, so that won’t happen unless his situation changes. The thing is, I also don’t want to stop seeing him or lose a potentially great friendship but I’m worried I’m leading him on, or that I might have broken my own obligation to my partner by getting too close. And I don’t want to risk my own feelings becoming any deeper than they already are.
What’s the right thing to do here? This doesn’t feel like a sustainable position to be in, but I honestly don’t know what’s the best thing to do for everyone.
—Crushing on the Store Guy
“Awkward place ethically” is a pretty kind way to put this. It’s great to be kind to yourself. I recommend it regularly. But there’s a fine line between that and letting yourself off the hook. You know this guy is interacting with you behind his wife’s back. It seems that his wife is controlling, based only on the information he’s giving you (which, however true to his emotional experience, is nonetheless a biased and incomplete picture of the relationship he’s in). One could argue that it’s not cool for her to disallow interactions with other people, regardless of their gender, but the content of these text messages is beyond what many otherwise permissive partners would be comfortable with. You haven’t crossed the sexual boundary, but were she to read your text exchanges, she’d likely feel that the monogamous arrangement she has with her husband has been compromised. You know this.
Instead of doing anything rash and fostering drama, why don’t you just have a conversation with the store guy? You don’t have much to lose beyond the fantasy that’s being kept alive through your exchanges. I recommend saying some version of what you typed here to him: “I don’t want to stop seeing you or lose a potentially great friendship, but I’m worried I’m leading you on, and that I might have broken my own obligation to my partner by getting too close.” You’ve shared so much as it is, so it hardly seems like such a state of the not-quite union would be inappropriate.
Oh, and one more thing regarding this fantasy: He may feel some kind of infatuation for you—or even love, sure—but because so much of your relationship is over text and sporadic when face to face, it’s mostly living in your respective heads. That doesn’t mean ensuing feelings aren’t valid, but it does mean that things could change considerably were you to consummate this … whatever this is. Who knows what your dynamic would be like if allowed to be unfettered IRL? This is really just to say that some perspective could be useful and that maybe this infatuation’s strength is defined by the distance between you at the moment.
Dear How to Do It,
I’m a middle-aged single mom of a few kids. My first childbirth many years ago was traumatic, and I’ve had issues with urinary incontinence since. As I paid more attention to my body, I realized I’ve had issues with bowel incontinence too throughout the years. During my marriage, these issues weren’t a big deal.
But I’ve been divorced for quite a while now, and for years after my divorce, my pelvic floor issues played a big role in seeking sex/partners due to embarrassment and shame. I’ve been doing physical therapy, have great doctors, and have had some improvement in pelvic floor function… enough improvement to feel comfortable having sex again. I’ve now engaged in sex a few times and am thrilled to bring this part of me back to life. Although incontinence is improving, I’m still nervous about accidents. My question is … how and when do I address my pelvic floor issues with partners?
—Ms. Elvis the Pelvis
Your trepidation is understandable. I’m sure that any amount of incontinence is enough to make a person self-conscious, but what you describe sounds like a minor-to-moderate issue that is steadily improving. As such, you don’t really have to address this until it happens, and even then, only when it’s noticed. A less-than-observant partner may assume that any leakage you produce is just part of the general soupiness of sex and isn’t urine at all. This may be something that someone only is aware of when they know to look for it. Keeping your partners ignorant may be beneficial to all.
That said, if this is on your mind to the point of distraction, just let partners know before sex that there may be a spritz or two involved. Play it off as no big deal, and it likely won’t be. I wouldn’t do this very far in advance (i.e. after connecting with someone on an app, don’t say, “Hi, sometimes I pee a little bit during sex. How are you?”). Save it until just before you hop in bed with them. Or whatever feels right. You have been through enough with this; disclosure in this case is for you and your peace of mind.
Dear How to Do It,
My husband and I, both in our mid-30s, have been married for seven years. Prior to marrying, we dated for five years and lived together for much of it. Our sex life was fantastic.
The first three years of our marriage were long distance. It was tough, but we got through it. Since living together again, we have had a big problem in the bedroom. More often than not, my husband is unable to finish. While I was able to ignore this for the last few years, it has now become a big problem, as we are supposed to be trying to have a baby, and I’m approaching the point where my fertility is going to steeply decline. I have asked my husband to talk to his doctor and maybe request ED pills, but he is too embarrassed to do it. He is naturally quiet and shy so this isn’t out of character. He swears he wants to have a baby and wants to finish, but is unable to, even with a lot of encouragement and patience on my part. How do I convince him that he needs to get help?
—Unsatisfied and Running Out of Time
Dear Out of Time,
E.D. pills won’t assist with your husband’s ejaculation, per se, unless the issue is that he is going soft before he has the opportunity to come. If that is in fact the case, there’s a boutique industry of online pharmacies like Hims and Roman that exist in part to make the procurement of these drugs easier and less awkward for interested parties. Depending on the state, this may require a phone/video conversation with a doctor, but that’s typically brief and a one-time thing. Your husband is certainly not alone in his allergy to doctors—in this column, we hear from people all the time who flat-out refuse to get reliable help for their sexual health issues because they don’t want to talk to a doctor or are mistrustful of medicine. The healthcare system is imperfect, and people have good reasons for their apprehension, but I think what this often comes down to is choosing to hold onto issues because of self-consciousness, and that choice makes little since when so much of the time, said issues cause self-consciousness. Break the cycle!
For your fertility concerns, if you are correct this is only a physical problem, you do have the option of intrauterine insemination, in which sperm is placed directly in the uterus via catheter. This could be a good option for someone who can ejaculate by masturbating, regardless of his performance during partnered sex (you noted that his ejaculation is sporadic, which suggests that he’s ejaculating some of the time). If that is indeed the case, IUI could be a good solution for you, especially since it’s regarded as a lower-cost alternative to IVF. Of course, all of this would require the assistance of doctors as well.
I agree with you that your husband could use treatment in some form—any kind of change of this sort is worth running by a doctor. You could tell him that this is very important to you and that you feel time is running out, so action is necessary. Is it worth it to give him an ultimatum? Maybe not right now, but it may be down the line. You could also go the route of coupled therapy, as your presence may be useful to getting his butt on the couch.
I have been dating an amazing man for about six months. After a long line of hookups and failed dates I was getting jaded when I swiped right on my man and we hit it off. Safe to say we are in the puppy-love phase. Before him, I would have said big dick was a necessity. Deep and intense penetration was hot and essential to me. The term “size queen” comes to mind. I know it’s not fair, but “little D” was a deal breaker. That’s just the way it was for me. With my new boyfriend, though, something much different has happened.